Back in the closet
I remember so clearly the day that God healed me. The vision I got was that I had been living this life in a tiny, dark room. And one day God showed me a handle. I turned and discovered that I had been living in a small dark closet in a gorgeous, huge mansion. I just hadn’t know it. The freedom was incredible. My life was never the same.
And now I feel as though I have been doing my thing, living in and exploring this house and someone grabbed me and threw me back in the closet and locked the door.
The worst part is that this house has been filled with people I love who know me. But truly only my parents know just how dark that closet was. I tell people and the reaction I get is “I can’t imagine you like that.” And then I even have people talk to my brother and say “Was she really as bad as she says she was?” He answers “whatever she told you…it was worse.”
This is a compliment. A huge testimony to the amazing things that God has done in my life. I havent really even told anyone the full story of what bipolar did to me. And what it made me. I’m so content to leave it behind. Until now.
Now I feel as though I’m screaming at the top of my lungs as this force drags me back to the closet. But no one seems to hear. I cannot verbalize the depths of the darkness. No one truly knows the terror that awaits me in that closet. Yes, that sounds like a super emotional “no-one-understands-me” kind of thing. But the reality is, until you experience it, you cannot know it. And everyone who knows me now, doesn’t know that darkness. I share with people that I’m not doing well, and even that these things are coming back, and there little, if any, response. How much more clearly can I say it?
I feel as though I’m drowning as more and more symptoms flood my head and heart. And there is no answer.
I KNOW that I am not the only one in pain. And I long with all I am to be there for those who are hurting. And yet I cannot. This is bipolar. I cannot. I want to, and yet it feels as though I have an invisible leash on that my head cannot move past. Even though I know it’s not real, it’s real to my head. Sometimes I feel as though I know the horror of schizophrenia. Everyone can tell you that what you hear/see isnt real, but if your brain thinks it is…it is. Such is this collar. I KNOW I have control. I know I can make choices, and yet this force renders me paralyzed, and any effort to combat it feels impossibly close to tangible physical pain.
The exhaustion of living life, and making a single phone call and even sending a text rears it’s ugly head. The pain of each moment as my heart literally feels like it’s breaking. Having terrible dreams and all day long having them mix with my memories and confusing reality and having my body turn ice cold and realizing that I’ve been clenching my jaw for a few hours. I stay awake til 3am every night with a movie running, and playing on my iPod in an effort to distract myself to keep my thoughts from running. The constant headache. I’m angry. All the time. Lies play on tapes on repeat in my head. I have thoughts that I have not had in years, that I am far too ashamed to type. And the memories all too well of spending all my excess energy to function normally. I am in this closet that it feels as though no one else can see. And this on top of the pain I feel from the loss of little Eisley. So knowing that I have real pain, and things to process…and it’s overshadowed by this looming cloud. I have pushed it down. Forced numb-ness on myself because every time I try to feel it…or process her loss…I have a panic attack, or like I’m going to throw up. As if my body cannot contain the emotion I’m overloading it with. So I’ve forced my body into a state of numb-ness to survive.
I am in survival mode. I just need to get to Saturday. Just to Saturday. To get to my doctor. I avoid people, because even interacting with people makes me sick to my stomach, and like the anxiety is going to choke me.
And I’m angry. If I’m being honest, I’m furious. This was not supposed to happen. I was in bondage for so long and as the chains wrap around me again, I wonder where my savior is. I got used to this life, this mindset…at its worst. But I’m not used to it now. I dont know how to cope now. I dont know how to reconcile this with what has been revealed to me. Fortunately this is not even near to how bad it used to be, but it’s like the person who was beaten every day and then when rescued, gets slapped around a little bit and FREAKS out, as all those emotions and fear come flooding back. More than anger…I’m afraid. I would never be able to express in words the deep fear in my heart. I’m afraid of the terrible thoughts that come up in my head. I’m afraid of how I’m treating the people I love. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff that is giving way to a dark hole…that I know all too well. And I can’t back up, I can’t get off the rubble, I’m watching myself slip down into it.
My favorite verse is Galatians 5:1 it is for freedom that Christ set us free, so stand firm and don’t be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
It’s a choice. I know that. I KNOW that. And yet, that blockage that kept me from revelation of God in my head has been re-established. And it tells me that regardless of what I know it cannot be helped. It’s so twisted. And that makes me even madder. The fact that now I know the truth and my brain keeps me powerless. Honestly, people can tell me anything they want…but you just can’t know how tight the bondage runs until you feel it.
I have been told that I’m a medical impossibility by professionals to my face. You’re not supposed to know what it’s like from bipolar…to not. I am thankful. I AM. But the pain I feel…to know the darkness…see the light…and be dragged back under causes so my grief that I feel so broken.
As I write this I’m frustrated because even this doesn’t feel sufficient to communicate how I feel. Which makes me mad because I usually can express things in words. But there it is. I tried.
Ramblings Rampant 
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